Friday, November 19, 2010

The story

I had quite a different 6 months then never before. After loosing my dad last June some things have changed. For some time the normal things I used to do changed to other things. I had a refuse of getting back on the computer, I couldn't stand it anymore. I was just living the moment in such different ways.. I guess grieving, .. I'm still doing now.

Then my Christian and I went through another great experience. At first it was such a joyful one. We were expecting a baby! Oh gosh, what an excitement. Doe to the fact I wasn't sure I was even be able to get pregnant, you can imagine how great news that was. It's been fantastic to be pregnant.. all the way even if from the very beginning I new I was having an hard pregnancy. I mean I figured it out once I started having so many symptoms I never heard anyone have in the first weeks or first months.

Oh it has been hard, but not as hard as having complications, bed rest, a subhcorionic hemorrhage, pain of another world, gone in labor twice, and then actually lost the baby.
What an experience. I'm not sure I can describe it. It is a very sad experience you know.. I've lost our first baby, and it has been so painful like anything before. Quite traumatic and not as simple as going to the bathroom and flash it out.. nop, not for me. It took weeks, lots of pain, bed rest, and moree pain, and actually mORe pain. Yes, epidural for me next time even if I'm not actually having a baby please!!!!
But do you think it is crazy I look back with a smile? I loved being a mother, that feeling you get while pregnant.. so precious. I loved having this experience no matter how it ended.. I never want to forget it and I'm glad I can look back with a smile. We had a baby that was given to us even if for a short time, but he was with us :)

Now talking about recovery. This is something else I'm still learning from. You know, everyone acts around you like it's not big deal cause they went throw it, their sister's went throw it, and oh they know so many friends that had tuns of miscarriages, so really it's not big deal.
So without knowing I really started to think it wasn't a big deal for me. I think I kinda forced it that way, until I had to say, stop. I'm in general a positive person, but being positive doesn't mean you are doing great, you are trying to get better with a positive attitue. My body is drained, yep still drained, and I don't know how long it will take, but no I'm not back to normal just yet. I can do some things, but no I'm not back to normal just yet. Fact is, it is a big deal,  being back to normal.. I can't say that.

Some things are coming back to me, and I can finally enjoy more like go back to nice walks in fresh air, and enjoy this beautiful season that I love so much. I finally can go back to enjoy creativity..  I love to look up on etsy and see what other people have created. Even if right now I'm still not in the position to start making things, I love to be inspired by other people. So now I take one day at a time, trying to follow what my body and mind needs to get back to normal after such a traumatic experience.
It is hard to "not run faster then you have strength for..". It is in my nature to run, but in the past years I have done better. Hopefully also this time I will be better with my self and take it easy, keeping on learning how much nicer it is to slow down and carry on :) Oh yes, cause life it is so much better that way :)

{My dad's loss, a pregnancy and miscarriage... now on my way to recovery}

2 comments:

Rob and Kjerstin said...

You're back!! Glad to see you back again, we missed you :)

Crystal HW said...

You are right, it isn't a small thing. Midcarriages are a big deal, life changing! They are one of those experiences that will either brake you or make you stronger...never the same again. I have to say that each miscarriage was a challange and different than the other ones. My heart goes out to you.

Love you! You are on your way to recovery. Don't be afraid to take as long as you need so you fully heal physically, mentally and spiritually.

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